Dear Mom, please make yourself small.

This is it. This is what I have been experiencing for all these years.

I have said it in other ways. I have shared it with friends and my therapist. I have been working for a decade on “boundaries’, and learning to “keep my opinions to myself” so that I don’t step on toes or offend.

And all the while - I have felt diminished, reduced, silenced, stifled, unappreciated, invisible, irrelevant; to the two young women that I most want to influence and be appreciated by. The two I gave  my entire self to in this lifetime.

Its heartbreaking - its ambiguous grief.

The message finally came through my mind succinctly - the familiar feeling in my gut after yet another slap down. I finally realized what my daughters are asking of me - “Mom, please make yourself small so we don’t feel intimidated by you”. Diminish yourself so we don’t feel diminished in your presence.

It makes sense - I was “Mother”, so at one time they did feel small around me. As a single mother, and primary (only) parent figure -I was the chief, the command center, and the center of their world. Super Mom, Uber-Mom -Mega-Mom. The one who made it all happen.

But now, being strong women themselves; having a strong mother presents a problem. I have spent the last 10 years trying to reduce myself, shrink myself, make myself more digestible for them. I didn’t recognize this is what has been happening. This is an awakening for me.

Who needs misogyny when you have the entire cancel culture behind this bullshit. Cancel parents, cancel wisdom, cancel the elders, and definitely-Cancel Mom. 

I remember my eldest mentioning how she found it easier to be with her dad, the more “low-maintenance” parent. The one who just asks to have dinner, small talk and goodbye till next time. What a privilege.

I am left wondering, how low can you go? Low maintenance meaning no maintenance? Like left me to raise them alone because I left him? So low that he didn’t do any of the parenting in spite? No opinion because he has never has thought deeply about anything having to do with them or their lives which is why I left him in the first place. No investment of himself at all. Completely superficial dad. That low?

I have been a feminist since 9 years old, when I heard the song “I am Woman” and realized men had all the power. If I have to diminish myself in my relationship with my daughters, then I have missed the mark; a cruel joke indeed.

“Don’t’ give any unsolicited advice” has morphed into, “don’t have any opinions, don’t share your thoughts, don’t take up space”.

And this muzzle is reserved particularly for women, and no one more so than Mom. No one gets the same amount of ire.

I am no longer willing to do it. I am no longer going to make myself small for their comfort. They are adult women, they have their own inner work to do to resolve their adolescent position toward me.

At 63 years of age - I am done trying to squeeze myself into an acceptable size to avoid making others feel comfortable, especially the two women who are born of my very own flesh and blood.

If they can’t celebrate me, if I can’t be myself, I don’t want to be there. I don't wish to have superficial relationships. I don’t want to be in a room that doesn’t appreciate who I am and what I have to offer.