The Way Back Home to My Self

 It seems the more I searched, the more lost I became.

The more I listen to the voice of gurus and sages, the less I can hear my own voice, know my own knowing.

It appears I am further away from a truth I recognized within myself, the truth that motivated the search in the first place.

The quiet, uninformed knowing. The Self in form - this form. Not exclusively, but this is the garden that is here, this is the garden to tend to, cultivate, nourish.

I wish to find my way back to my Self. To follow the path back - perhaps like the story of The Alchemist, and Siddhartha - traveling far - only to return home, to ones Self.

I seek the purity, the innocence of the yearning, before the information came - before the "pointings"

I had a similar experience with. photography - there was a natural inclination, a joy, an eye - then I went to art school - and learned from experts - the knowing - and that dissuaded me from the passion. Thankfully, I have continued to enjoy shooting - this is natural for me.

There had been the influence of Jesus in the formation of the idea of spirit, and then Jonathan Livingston Seagull - this is true. There were the early poems written as a child, the knowledge that somehow, vanity was antithetical to freedom, this was there. The recognition on the beach, that what mattered ultimately was peace, and may that peace be found in natural things, nature, the sun, the ocean. There was the moment of heroin, and noticing, that I was still present - the knowing, that I would not become an addict - because I was still there - watching.

Then there was the recognition, again in that same ocean, pregnant with my second child - that nothing anyone thought or did to me could rob me of my self - that I was always safe and at home with myself. 

And teachers and books and guides along the way.

And now - now - now - the time is here, now - to return to my Self, unaccompanied. Not exclusive - separate and part of the whole. One with the whole. 

 Simply to walk my path. Others to walk theirs. 

I am grateful for the recognition of beauty, the natural compassion and empathy in my heart, for the ability to string together words, the natural lightness of being that is here at the base of my self.

I am - so blessed - so grateful, so cared for. 

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

Om