Taking "Time" for yourself and other illusions of MAD women.

To all the friends, family, therapists and concerned parties who over the years have insisted that regardless of the demands of being a Mom and Dad (MAD) woman,  I still "should" have been able to "make" the time to take care of myself, I have one word for you - BULLSHIT!

I can say this one word with confidence as an experienced MAD woman. Let me illustrate.

Up until just last year, I had two very real and tangible obstructions to my "finding the time" to focus on my own needs: My teenage daughters. You want to talk about energy sucks. As they might put it, the struggle is real.

Because up until last year, the youngest of my daughters was still in high school, without a car, and with a full week schedule of school programs, projects and nightly dance classes. You starting to see how that works?

Let me make the MAD woman disclaimer: I LOVE MY DAUGHTERS AND LOVE BEING THEIR MOM (Dad, not so much but that is another post). That doesn't negate that it is a struggle to put others' need ahead of your own for two decades.

My discovery came just tonight, as I finished up my solitary dinner. I pondered what I wanted to do the rest of the night. So I decided to blog about it, because  I have the time to do this. This was an unfamiliar experience, so I wondered...what has changed?

Lets see, this past summer I sold my family home of 18 years, and with it went a certain amount of chores and responsibilities, but that didn't quite feel on target.

And then it dawned on me...DUH!  My daughter isn't here, and I am not driving back from wherever she is!  She has a car now, and can take herself from point A to point B to C, D and back. And she is often not home for dinner! Can I get an "Alright and Alleluhah!" Please don't judge my glee. As a MAD woman, getting dinner on the table 7 nights a week was a herculean effort. I recall many a night when we would be eating dinner at 10:30 pm, because that is when my daughter returned home from dance rehearsals. And I don't serve fake food. I cook real food, fresh ingredients. If its frozen its organic.

Her having a car also means I do not have to wake up before the sunrise to drive her to her school 20 minutes away. That's practically a full hour saved each morning. Why yes in fact, I am doing yoga now!

You see my point? When I would lament (hard to believe I know) about my poor eating habits, my stress level, lack of funds and the like, my most well meaning friends and family would admonish me that I "had to take time for myself". Can I get all the MAD women in the house to join in the chorus...OK! YOU TRY IT!

I know they meant well, and were just frustrated and full of fear for my health, which has been challenged over the years. But beyond being annoying and dismissive, this societal denial of the reality of time and space is oppressive for MAD women, and probably for most mothers.

Society holds up this image of the woman who can do it all, if she would just put her mind to it and organize herself! Who can forget those Electrolux commercials featuring Kelly Ripa, magically getting the laundry finished while hosting a fabulous dinner party for her fabulous guests all while looking so fucking fabulous!  Forgive me for repeating myself...BULLSHIT! 

Its like this. There are 24 hours in a day. During their daytime waking hours, MAD women usually are working. In the remaining few hours of each day, they are tending to their children's needs. Suurree...they could put themselves first. Sally can make her own lunch damn it, she's 5 for gods sake! And there is public transportation...Mommy has to meditate, jeez!

No mother is a stranger to having to put her needs last. It comes with the job for the majority of us. So if it is a choice between reading a book, or helping Sammy with his school project...you guessed it. If the choice is to take Olivia to her dance performance, or go to a movie with a friend, well, they're only small once. And somehow they never felt like choices to me.

Which is FINE! I get it, this is the job description and hopefully we MAD women understood that when we gave birth to these amazing creatures who we love with all our hearts and souls for ever and for always, yes, we do.

But PLEASE...don't deny my self sacrifice. Acknowledge it. Acknowledge that it is hard enough for most single people...to get to the gym, to eat right, to find time to unwind. Don't admonish us MAD women. Don't make us feel we are failing because in fact we CANNOT do it all and when something has to give, it will most likely be us. Its not a character flaw if we are unrecognizable to ourselves after a decade of child rearing. Now that I am getting reacquainted with myself, I see how much I have to reclaim.

Do not deny our reality, because when you do, you push us further into madness, further into losing our internal compass. A mother's soul is fragmented when she is raising her children. She thinks not just of herself, but she is a multitude of selves.

Only when she has the real tangible earthly TIME and SPACE, can she get back to herself and take care of herself. Only when the MADness is lifted, can she be whole again.

Nuff said.

Becoming a MAD woman

I was not planning a wedding, nor an engagement. No hopeful conversations and long made plans. Nursery themes...I still am not sure I know what that means.

A baby?  Hahahahah. No really. We'd only been officially dating 3 months. Sure we pined for each other for years, but we were just getting to know each other, still in the first months of passion and playfulness.

He was 14 years older than me, so at 28 I was dealing with his, um, mid life "issues". I didn't think he could even get me pregnant. Crazy stupid i know, but clearly I must have been in Lala land to still have been with this man. At 28, I told myself the sex wasn't the most important thing. Why was I willing to work so hard so early on?  It was a talisman for the next two decades of my life, and the beginning of my becoming MAD.