The Escape From All False Ties

What do I have to offer? What do I have to teach?

It’s a question that many of us ask ourselves as we seek to grow and be of use to others.

There are so many people offering their advice, “the way” to contentment and fulfillment…how do we connect with one, or another? Who can know my journey? Whose words will be the keys to unlock my mystery? For some its Jesus, for others, the Dali Lama, or maybe their mothers or fathers. My teachers include Pema Chodran, Eckhart Tolle & Jeff Foster.  These wise ones speak a language that inspires and helps me to understand. 

Ultimately, what I have to offer is not much different from what they, or you, have to offer. Our unique understanding of life, through our experiences and the lessons we’ve learned from them. In my case, I’ve chosen to make this understanding my profession. I have educated myself, learned about how people change, what helps them to heal and to face the challenges with grace and hope. This is my life’s purpose.

I humbly share my thoughts, hoping in my words you will find insight, comfort, and meaning, and that my interpretation of life will spark something in you to further your understanding of your journey.

From one of the world’s greatest thinkers, Emerson, I’ve attempted to live according to these ideals:

The escape from all false ties ; courage to be what we are ; and love of what is simple and beautiful; independence and cheerful relation — these are the essentials. These, and the wish to serve, to add somewhat to the well-being of men.

Starting today, and with my next few blog posts, I will be taking apart this quote line by line. Mediating on each message. I hope you’ll join me!

THE ESCAPE FROM ALL FALSE TIES

Huge concept. What are the false ties in your life? For some it may be a sense of obligation to others, or to a career path. Perhaps you think you have to appear a certain way to be loved. To be cool. To make your parents proud. Maybe its fake friendships. Do you truly enjoy the company of those you spend your time with? Are they supportive of your true dreams? Are you comfortable enough with them to share your dreams? Do you feel accepted and loved unconditionally? Or judged and discounted? These are difficult questions…and they lead to answers that could be hard to face. But isn’t an authentic life worth more than false ties? Only you know the answer that question, and only when you’re ready can you ask it.

Are you in a marriage that is a lie? Do you pretend all is well when you are dying inside? That’s hard to face. But if its truly not supporting you as a person, then maybe its time to make a change. This doesn’t mean you have to divorce your spouse. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. Chances are your spouse is suffering false ties as well. What would it mean to be honest with yourself? To have the courage to take steps to move the relationship in a direction that is more in line with your truth. It takes work, and again we have to ask ourselves…what is the value of authenticity in my life?

Perhaps a false tie is achieving financial success, or a sentimental attachment to scarcity…to being an “artist” and not “selling out”. Is it a Fendi bag? Cartier watch? An Audi? Membership to the club?

And what about social media? The appearance of being well, popular, loved. Is the image you present on social media a false tie?  Its ok to share good news, that’s not necessarily false. But if you are feeling a social pressure to keep up with the friends, co-workers or family…if it feels fake, then you may need to evaluate what motivates you.

Its not new news…in our American culture, we value “things”.  Material possessions tell us we have succeeded. So how do we make sense of those who have more than they could possible need, and yet are miserable, suicidal, who would give it all up for peace of mind or authentic relationships? 

Don’t get me wrong, I like nice things and grand adventures as much as the next person. It would be great to have a few million banked away. But I am sincerely thankful that my sense of self worth is not wrapped up in the possession of things. I don’t suffer anxiety because of the things I don’t have. Rather, I remind myself of all I do have. Gratitude is truly the antidote for the illness of envy, entitlement and lack-based anxiety.

I stumbled upon this experience several years ago...when I was gripped by fear of lack. It was torturous, and in seeking relief, I began to think about what I did have…and it was a truly transformative experience. Its not just a corny admonition, “you should count your blessings”. It really works!

If you find yourself wishing things were different…if only you had done this or that, or gripped by anxiety of what will be - I recommend you give Gratitude a try. Make it tangible. Write down all you have in your life. The family, the friends, the job or career. If you don’t have much of those, don’t compare or think about needing more. Just count the blessings you do have. If you’re in good health that’s a major one. Or maybe its that one neighbor who always says hi, or your dog or cat who are so happy to see you. For me its my family and friends that truly love me. Its the sunrise and ocean, the beautiful night sky, simply an amazing flower. I am grateful that I can perceive beauty, and that it fills my heart with joy. This is such a blessing. Let the emotions settle in your soul. Even if all you have is another day to try, you can choose to view that as a blessing. Opportunities to grow, although at times painful, are blessings. They keep you moving forward.

What are your false ties? Where in your life are you pretending to be, want, or feel something you’re not?

Next post: THE COURAGE TO BE WHO WE ARE…