Adjusting to Me Jan 2023

 

Adjusting to me.

 

Rediscovering my self.

 

The strange experience of being in the middle of nothing. Of no associations. Not yet my home, random objects coming to gether to create it.

 

The sense of unfamiliarity, mixed with excitement. Waking up with a mix of terror and safety – this is my new home, this can be my forever home. I am safe here.

 

And yet, feeling I abandoned my adult children. No longer 30 minutes away, now it’s a day away.

 

Who am I, I came here to find out, to rediscover. Who was I, what is left of me? Without association, what is there to call me?

 

Enough, and not nearly enough for now.

 

1/22/23

 

Still adjusting to this being my place…MY place. There is some self consciousness that other people will see the place…like I have to keep it neat in case others see it…that is so weird! Like the idea that I can do whatever the fuck I want in here, that NO ONE is coming in unless I invite them in…its just radical considering the last time I felt this was when I was 27 years old living in Brooklyn. Just wild.

 

Also crazy how the apartment is decorating itself. I am accumulating furniture – not necessarily things I will keep long term, but definitely making it livable for now.

 

This is an adjustment for sure, on levels of my being that I do not fully even understand. I seek to remain open, to be free of any constructs. I want to choose my friends carefully, not get too involved with any new people right away.

 

I really want to curate my life now…choose where to put my energy. Protect and nurture it.

 

1/26/23

 

Its been a week. Today I am feeling a lot of anxiety. Some lonliness. There is this sense that I am looking some fear in the face, that I am putting myself into this situation in order to grow, to discover, to reveal. There is also this sense that this time has to be significant. Like I can’t waste it. And I see all the drag, all the procrastination. Doing all the meaningless tasks instead of the ones that really matter. Like writing. Actually doing what I am doing right now is an act of rebellion.

 

I fear I won’t do it. I fear I won’t produce. I look at other people creating things, doing things, publishing and creating, and I feel a block. I feel fear. I feel like what do I have to offer. And I am a therapist, and I think I need a therapist. But there is also some resistance to that idea. Like I should be able to figure this out myself. Who had therapists back in the day! Did Emerson have a therapist? Dante? Should I be using the same interventions on myself that I teach others?

 

There is so much resistance, just like Steven Pressfield wrote about. And there is soooooooomuchtodo. Like the important life stuff of money and budgets and healthcare and changing my address and my license. But I have zero interest in doing any of it. All the trainings, that I actually do want to do. And then my clients, my profession, which I really don’t want to do any more.

 

I moved to NY to have time to myself, time where I could not avoid writing, creating, where there would inevitably be less disctrations. But in order to be here I have to work more, which sucks up so much energy. It is ironic. I had 3 years living with Eric with barely any economic demands on me. But his energy was so demanding that I couldn’t actually relax and focus on myself. Even though he wanted that for me, his energy was a vaccum, and I couldn’t relax. Now I am here, alone, and I will have to work full time. But I know I CAN DO THIS. I worked full time and raised two kids and had a dog and a house. I can work a 30 hour week and get other stuff done! There is no excuse!

 

What do I have to stop doing – picking my skin out of anxiety

What do I have to do less of - scrolling instagram and facebook.

What do I have to keep doing – THIS and observing my patterns

What do I have to do more of – THIS

What do I have to start doing – Creating a schedule and sticking to it.

 

I do feel the need to talk to someone, but I don’t know who that someone really is. Who is really in my corner. Whose opinion do I really value to guide me.

 

I want to develop my Being Human Coaching to replace therapy. In order to do that, I need to get certified as a coach. Or do I?

 

I want to publish a book of my photos

 

I want to write a memoir.

 

I need a timeline for each of these projects

 

What will 2023 result in

 

2024?

 

2025?