Craving Solitude Jan 2020

 

I need to be alone

 

I need to find who I am again, to explore without the interference of other, or of being in relation to another.

 

I have to dig deep down into the silence of my being, into this life, to explore and be reintroduced to who IAM

 

I seek contemplation, silence, exploration. It’s a solo journey.

 

I am happy to correspond, to have brief interludes at my discretion.

 

But the baseline needs to be one of stillness and singularity, of wholeness in and of myself.

 

I need that solid ground of self to be stable and known and secure. It’s a journey back to me.

 

No explanations, no obligations to other, other than kindness.

 

This is not a rejection of other, it is a welcoming and embracing of myself.

 

Eric and I are coming from two completely different directions.

 

He has had a lifetime of singularity, and is ready to explore union and connection and the Self as US.

 

I have had a lifetime of otherhood, of myself in relationship to other. I seek singularity.

 

I haven’t had the space to breathe, to grieve, I do not yet know the depths of my grief, of losing my mother, and my father. Of being the elder now. I want the space to explore, I want to follow my own whims.

 

This does not mean I want to end the relationship with Eric, I just want to maintain our independent selves.

 

I want to be loved for who I am – unconditionally. And who I am is someone who likes to be by herself, who likes to be quiet, who is comfortable with being alone. Being together is secondary to being alone for me. Like life is borrowed from death, couple-hood is borrowed from self hood. First things first.

 

The fighting and irritability was because I was trying to force myself to be something I am not and to want something other than what my spirit called for.

 

I thought I got my independent spirit from my father, but actually from my mother.I am my mothers daughter, after all.

 

We have had a virtual relationship

 

Can’t process the Me in relationship to We right now

 

I don’t need help, I need space and holding. I will find my way on my own. I need to find my own footing.

 

No attachments

No Baggage

 

I need to move according to my own flow, not incorporating anyone else. It’s a solo, not a duet.

 

You are not the cause, the fact that I need space is the cause

 

I can’t think about anything other that whats in front of me

 

Trying to build the house in the middle of a hurricane.