The truth is turmoil.
I feel burdened by all the minutia of life
The to dos the to bes
Frustrated that time goes by
The inner dialog can repeat the guidance
That I am the perciever of all of it
That note of the persons feelings or thoughts are of any consequence
I Am, locked inside but not inside, I am outside imagining I am locked inside
Yet this identity is so pervasive and strong
I do feel like giving up, and I know there is nothing to give up.
Laughable..
So the grasping of a better experience, to “be happy” is also irrelevant
It doesn’t matter how I feel, how the person feels, or what the person does.
But this is my lived experience.
And I am so frustrated.
I want to be free, simply to be.
No service to provide, no clients to see
Just art, I just want to make art, I want to shoot and paint and sculpt and create
The oppression of making a living, I just want to live
And learn to surf
I imagine my living arrangement needs to change, and it does
Because I cannot stay focused with another person in my perimeter
I can take it in doses.
It is reminiscent of the last time I lived with a man.
The trap I felt, I leave the man, I get more work, I leave the work, I get more man.
Rents are so high, I would have to work more.
I am bitter, depressed, frustrated, I can’t access my “light” today, or my love.
What is going on? Frustration. My relationship is dead, so why am I in it?
How many times have I looked for myself in a relationship, only to be disappointed.
Am I the problem? Are my expectations the problem? Yes, because I have learned before that I cannot be found in a relationship, I can only be one with Oneness itself.
And then the relationship is free from my burden of expectations.
BUT that does not negate that the relationship is really on life support
And the fact that the primary reason I am still here is financial and the ocean at my doorstep.
So that is the trade off. And self limiting beliefs that I won’t find anyone else to satisfy me, and that ‘at least” Eric is somewhat easy going, while completely needy and irritating.
He has ZERO practical occupational skills: Can’t cook, can’t even put a meal on the table, no sex, myopic interests, not interested in any physical activity, no fun, no interests outside of patents and market. Not even going to see music.
So what is the attraction, its not an attraction, it’s a convenient inconvenience
What does this relationship bring to me? How does it enhance my life.
It frees me from financial strain – but drains me of energy
And it puts me on the beach, which used to be my zen, but now is losing its impact
Can I let this be a today thing? Can I allow this to not be given too much meaning?
Perhaps, but I am frustrated, by time passing and things I want to do continually getting put off.
The story of Mary and Martha has much relevance for me. Particularly related to Lennie and the girls. I did ALL the raising of them, but he gets as much interest if not more. But that is petty on my part, but the guy did fuck me over. I was his student, he was married, he pursued me. That was fucked up. He abandoned the girls. Yes, I ended the marriage, he was cheating on me waaaay before my involvment with the Greenes, while I was a young mother, with Claudia. He fucking gave me herpes when I had a 3 months old baby, and accused me. Yes, he deserves my fucking contempt.
But none of that is the girls problem. He is the father – and they don’t need to be burdened with my poor choices. They want to make the best of it. They don’t see that he abandoned them, they don’t’ want that legacy. So they want to make it work. I can’t blame them.
They love me as mother, as the consistent one…Mega Mom. And dad is Peter Pan.
But do I really have to be a party to it? I have to just hold my nose I guess, but it’s the revisionist history, I have a hard time not setting the record strait.
Ok, enough of this. Lets get to the to do list. In some priority – what I really want to be doing
· PHOTO BOOK
· Book of wisdom (Hah!)
· Italian citizenship
· ALL THE TRAININGS – RLT, DM, IFS, RACE
· Make appt with Gastro
· Book Barcelona
· Figure out expenses
· Taxes – mine and Noelle’s
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