To See or Not to See - Jan 2020

 

To see or not to see

 

The struggle to determine whether I truly need to go away and be silent for an undefined amount of time…or if this is an escapist fantasy.

 

I seek to be quiet, to be in the silence, so that I can strip away all that is false and be with my Self. This yearning is as old as the day I wrote my first existential poem.

 

It was a 9 year old girls musing, on how it was that eagles could fly, while Man, the apparent highest of God’s creatures, was stuck traveling by foot. To me, it seemed the Eagle had it way over us, to Soar from above. The poem ended “Then one day the answer hit me, the reason an eagle can fly is because it is free…free from climbing the mountain of Fame, which when atop, we implant our NAME”.

 

Somehow, at a tender age of 9, I knew that our egoic sense of being something of importance, was what kept us from being truly free.

 

That quandary has never left me, and now at 57, having just lost my mother, I am facing the precipe of the door that has been waiting to be opened. To FLY the coop so to speak.

 

A short history. Child born out of wedlock at 28, then married to her dad soon thereafter. Another child, a move away from home, a divorce, a life threatening illness, kids grown and moved out, lastly 2 years ago I felt a calling to go live with my mother in her final years to soften her landing. I didn’t know if it would be 2 years or 12, but I knew she would be needing the help, and would be too proud to ask for it. So I packed up my life and moved back to my home town. She was buried on Jan. 1, 2020.

 

And here I sit in our shared apartment, facing my Self again. I had already put in my letter of resignation with my employer, wanting to spend more time with mom; and now, I only have time to spend with myself.

 

But being the survialist I have grown to be, of course I had many other irons in the sustenance fire. I have agreed to begin an online practice with an established private practice that has master the art of boutique virtual therapy. I am quite excited about making this move from community service to tele-health, mostly because I believe it to be a step toward “placelessness” which feels aligned with “spaciousness” that I seek.

 

And then last night, as I slipped into my existential drift that appears after midnight, the truth of my yearning descended upon my soul. AhHA, its that…its that yearning for freedom. Now is the time, it is time to make the journey, time to leave all “this” behind to be THAT I am.  

 

Immediately, the doubt came in. Is this really necessary? The journey is within, not without. The space, the silence, the seeking, by now you know, its an inside job. The where doesn’t matter.

 

I had been involved with a secret school in my mid 20s, the work of Gurdieff and Ouspensky. And it was called “the Fourth Way”, the way of self realization within life. The thesis was that anyone can realize themselves sitting atop a mountain with none of lifes distractions, but what good was that when one returned to life, only to be pulled away again. No, better to do the work amist the life. This was more stable, more truly won.

 

And now 30 years and a lifetime of experience later. I don’t care. I want to feel the silence, I want to follow the call.

 

The danger is how quickly ego can come and snatch this yearning and seek to make it its own. The next wave is one of rebellion. Now, I will go and be silent because why the fuck not! Who says I can’t! It become an existential tug of war. Who is the true voice?

That which says I must go away, or that which say Careful, that’s a delusion as well. The truth is here, right here, as my guruji says. Be here.

 

A voie comes and says “but how can you go to the end of your life without knowing if your path was that of the monk?” You have this yearning for a life time, how could this not be your true path? You must find out!

 

And there is fear. Fear of finding out there is nothing to be found away from where I Am. I think of the story in The Alchemist; the protagonist of the story travels the world, seeking to find a treasure he has dreamed of and to fulfill his Personal Legend. He loses himself in wordly concerns all while remaining intent on fulfilling his journey, which he finally achieves by arriving at the Pyramids, only to learn that the treasure he sought was always right where he began.

 

And yet, wasn’t the journey necessary? Would he had been taught this lesson if he had not labored and sought it outside himself? Can we skip this step and go straight to the truth that is here, now and always? Am I nursing a escapist fantasy?