03/15/11
Strange Happenings – Ode after the fact.
Bumping with phones rather than with bodies
He spoke of all he does to women, the way he makes them feel, while being obilvious to the woman in his presence. Her heart, her longing.
The art of detached loving the tragedy of detached loving.both lying there playing with thei phones, distracted by technonogoy. The insane pull of his touch and kiss, and then withdrawal.
And the roles continued there as they spoke of it. Detached living The mistake of letting go, of pretending there is no consequence. The consequence of detached loving is that you never own anothers soul. You are never known and owned by another.
This bullshit, this lie…im ok your ok. No, this is not real heart, that is self protection.
What had I unconsciously hoped for? That we would fall in love again. That my heart would be full. That rather than talk to me about how he felt, that he would take me again the way he once did. That he would be unable to resist loving me. I imagined days of lovemaking of connection.
Trying to reach him was awkward HE was awkward. I stood aside waiting for him to decide what he wanted. Why am I crying, not for him but for the lost love. For the desire to be claimed. For the desire to be owned
I am sharing this with you because you say you want to know, to learn, to understand. I share my heart and deepest feelings as a gift of knowledge, not to manipulate, hurt or criticize you. I welcome your feedback for me as well, what if anything you felt, processed or see in me from our time together.
I left you in incredible pain. I cried for the first half of my flight, until I distracted myself with school work. I was not prepared for these emotions. There must be some reason that Stacy and I and irina have the same experience of attempting to love u. You offer your love like a dangling carrot apparently oblivious to the effect of your words on a womans heart.
You suggest you can love deeply, you speak of wanting this, yet you with hold your heart. For you to tell me about the effect you have on women, to tell me that stacy had never cum the way she had with you..to talk about sex and your ability to make love. The constant emails, pictures of other women…at one point I felt I must have so little self respect. I should have told you to either shut off the fucking computer and text or get me a hotel room. I didn’t do that because I tried to stay open to you, to love you, to not take it personally, but I did wonder why I didn’t respect myself and my needs more than yours; Why I allowed myself that much pain to be there for you.
To question aloud whether I was the one that got away, but yet make no motion toward expressing that with love or presence…all I could do to conserve myself was to remain detached. It was such an effort. If I for a moment signed on, and had any feelings that yes, perhaps we might try to love each other again…you were indifferent. As was I, but not really. You were oblivious to where I was at, what I may have been experiencing emotionally. It was all about u, what you were processing, what you experience, what you have been struggling with. You never asked me how it was for me, what did I want, need, fear, yearn for.
Being with you triggered my need for connection and love. I don’t know, perhaps I also was seeking significance in your life. What needs were met of yours by my coming out there? Connection? Significance?
You provolked in me desire and longing for love, for that significant relationship.
The absolute hardest part for me was your lack of desire for me. The nature of our relationship had always been desire, you couldn’t stay away from me. Yet here I was, for days lying in your bed half naked, and NOTHING. You occasionally reached over, occasionally kissed me, but then withdrew.
I was left to wonder if you no longer found me attractive, I started to feel insecure about my age, my looks, my body. I felt I was being compared to irina…is she more voluptuous, pretties, better put together…?
I am not blaming you for your actions. I am simply making you aware of what was going on for me behind the curtain. …it broke my heart, and was so painful to deal with the rejection while trying to be there for you, take my own temperature, try to get a grip and not take it personally, be a good “level two” friend. I was working on being open to you as a friend, while suppressing my desire for connection. As a lover, with an unanticipated secret desire that you and I would fall in love again.
It made me remember my feelings I had. That crazy love, that we would do anything to be together. The offer of that level of love would move mountains. Would I move to LA to be with you…yea, I would. I want that level of love, passion, commitment. I want to give myself to someone to that depth. But you aren’t asking me to move to LA..so it is just the desire for that passion, not present in you.
So the pain of your indifference…god, I wanted to hear you tell me you loved me, that you wanted me to come out. I didn’t want you to be rationale, and considerate.
We were listening to those tapes…they were only setting the stage for the relationship I want. To hear you say you are working on that, that it is what you want…I was like..GOD I AM HERE!! Lets do this!
Is it you I am longing for? Or is it that connection? I don’t think it matters. I think it could be us…if we wanted it.
The one thing I can give myself credit for is throwing myself into this circumstance…of taking the risk of the unknown..what this would be like to be with you again. I was brave, and yes I was unprepared for these emotions…but I know it is all good, good that I am reminded, good that I am feeling, good that I am not dead, that love, lust and passion are still boiling in me.
I am sorry you are so out of touch with your emotions. I wish I could have helped you get in touch with them. But there were so many constant distractions…all those women calling the entire time, you checking your messages, asking me to advise…I just couldn’t get through, you weren’t really present to me…and I was just there, trying to connect with you, trying to get you to focus on me for a minute. The words were there, but you weren’t. I wish we could have spent a day unplugged, lying on a beach without those distractions…maybe you would have unwound and showed up.
Realized that I have not been flirting, have not been putting “it” out there.
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