My angry rant….
I do appreciate your writing me to let me know how you see things, and how you feel you would like to engage in a relationship with me.
Unfortunately, your idea of a relationship and my idea of a relationship seem to be very different, and I do not know if I will be able, or honestly, if I am interested in having a relationship on the terms you laid out. Asking to limit our communication to texts, and meeting one time a month to talk about light things leaves me feeling muted, stifled and suffocated. It feels like bullshit.
Let me first acknowledge what I think you are feeling, so that you know I understand your perspective.
You feel overwhelmed by me. You feel I am too intense, overbearing and involved. My thinking about your well being, trying to problem solve with you and wanting to speak 1x a week is more energy and time than you want to devote. You don’t want unsolicited advise from me. You are trying to figure out your own life, and my voice in your head makes its hard to hear your own. You have regrets about past decisions, and everytime we meet you are reminded of the consequences of those decisions, which causes you to feel a lot of shame and you tank. You are trying to move forward and this emotional pain defeats you.
I am 100% in agreement with you that boundaries are important, and take accountability for not knowing where those boundaries lie. In the case of you and I, your leaving home at 19 and cutting off from me impacts greatly impacts behavior. I tried not contacting you and what I received in return was no relationship with you…for 10 years.
It is my devotion to you and your sister that has kept me from simply accepting this lack of relationship. Obviously, I feel your contempt, and your resistance. It hurts and it pisses me off. But I keep holding space for it, because that is my loyalty and sense of obligation. Its how I am being the mother I think every child deserves, devoted.
I feel you want your cake and want to eat it too. You want to be able to turn on the spicket of having a devoted mom when it is convenient to you, but I do not hear anything from you that takes accountability for what you bring to the relationship. Its as if you think you are doing me a favor by seeing me, that’s how it feels. It is a privilege you have had to have me always pursuing you. And I get how it would appear that I need something from you.
What you consider a “low maintenance” parent in your dad, I’d call absentee parent. It is easier for your father to be “low maintenance” because he has never been as invested in doing the hard labor of parenting. He left all of that to me. And I honestly think your relationship with men is a result of looking for that care from unavailable men.
That is not how I see it. If I were to become a more “low mainenance” parent, I would also not be doing things I have done over the years. I would not have put in hours of my valuable time securing you food stamps. I would not have bought you an $800 camera to support your efforts with Motoco. It wasn’t your low maitenance parent who thought to provide you with $400 a month to help you stay afloat. I would not have put away money for your education rather than my retirement plan. I would not have planned, and yes dear, I PLANNED the Colorado trip, and MY boyfriend paid for it. It wasn’t Juliens idea.
So these are all the extras that come from a devoted parent. But if you want me to be lower maintenance, I will do what you ask. But that works both ways. I won’t be making sacrifices on your behalf anymore. Ask your dad for a loan.
And, since you have not been interested in using the money, my money, that I put away for you for an education. I will use it. I have made that money available to you for 10+ years to help yourself. You turned your nose up at it. Its my money Noelle. Not yours. I am getting older, and from what you have said, I don’t think you are going to be there for me when I am an old lady. I have to fend for myself. That 10K will be put into a fund for my retirement. I earned it. You didn’t.
So, this is a low maitenace parent.
Unfortunately, how I see it, is that you want to stick you head in the sand. You want to pretend you don’t have shit to clean up. I think your thinking is off.
You want me to co-sign on your idea for your future, but I don’t’ think you are making good decisions. From my perspective, you are perpetuating the same behaviors that got you in trouble in the first place. I won’t co-sign that. I cant. And if you don’t’ want my advice, then don’t’ except my involvment. I will support you from afar. I wish you all the best and hope your way works out for you. You have NEVER taken my advise, yet you blamed me and your father for not telling you about having to pay taxes.
I told you, I know for sure I told you. But you ignored me then, you were unavailable, you hid. For 10 years, you hid out. It wasn’t work that got you in debt. It was blowing your money on food and weed and proving yourself to a man who wasn’t interested. Its your dad. And you are doing it again with Julien. You are signing up for the same relationship again.
Julien wants to live in a pretty place because his ego is attached to appearances. So he is chosing and you are obeying to live in a place that is beyond your means. You are counting yoru chickens before they hatch…again.
Take a page from your sister. She and Tyler didn’t live in a high rise. They lived in an small apartment in a bad neighborhood for a few years to save money. They now live in a equally if not worse neighborhood for the same goals.
Julien is always looking for the quick fix. He’s a deal maker right? And he treats you like a business partner. He had no concerns when you were taking on debt last year, but now he is concerned you can’t pay your share? What would Julien be doing without you? Where would he live? If he wants to live in a fancy place, he should apy 2/3 of the rent. You pay less because you would live in another place.
$2175? Plus food, plus car insurance, plus debt repayment. You are not serious about wanting to pay down your debt. You want to find a way to avoid the pain of it.
The saddest thing, is when you DID actually listen to some advice from people who are actually in your corner, you paid down your debt, you lowered your expenses. For a brief time, you went back to school and focused on Noelle.
Then, a man whispered in your ear, and you fell for it again. And now it’s the King Julien show.
I am not serving King Julien.That is your choice. Don’t’ ask me to be complicit and enable another 10 years of bullshit.
You are selfish. Do you have any idea how much energy I, your sister, and Eric sweat on your behalf? The amount of thought, and concern, and late night talks, and texts, trying to figure out how to support you? You take it all for granted. You are entiteled.
TAKE TWO
This feels like emotional extortion. I do not know how to engage in this without feeling like my arm is being twisted.
IT went from a generous offering on my part to a demand on your part.
I don’t think it is a healthy dynamic for you to have to pay me each month. It’s an emotional tie. What happens if you miss a month. I don’t’ want to be the bank because YOU are not clear about our relationship. You are emotional and have issues with me.
If we cannot have an open dialog and brainstorm openly about best moves, then I do not want to be a part of it.
There is contempt, demand and entitlement. I am not obligated to rescue you.
You say you don’t’ want it to be therapy but it is the emotional issues that make it impossible to have a rational conversations.
The emotions of self loathing are what need to be cleared up more than the debt.
YOU NEED FUCKING THERAPY!
The questions I want to ask are:
Why aren’t you looking for a less expensive apartment for now to pay down this debt?
Who is driving moving into this place for $2175.
Why not tell Julien you will pay what you can afford?
Why is there so much panic about this?
Perhaps it would be smarter to go backrupt, pay off Uncle Sam with the loan, and get back to work. Or go bankrupt and go back to work part time and let uncle sam take that income and do the food prep for the rest.
The food stamps are not a guarantee
Have you accounted for car insurance?
Ask your low maitenance parent for a loan?
What this high maitenance parents has done that the low maitenance hasn’t’
College fund is MY hard earned money, not his, not yours.
I put it away for your education, you turned your nose up at it.
You have done it your way and you want to continue to do it your way with no advice. NO I am not doing that again.
Camera, Haircuts, Van supplies, Cars, Masks,
I need to see some appreciation. No cards, didn’t come to the hospital.
Your discomfort asking for help is what got you here!
This is Chuck 2.0. Disappearing, no contact, no advice asked for or taken.
Im not doing it.
You are not the only one who has decisions to make in their lives. I want to get my own apartment too. I work for a living.
That $200 a month I have lots of other things to do with it including traveling, classes, etc. So APPRECIATE IT and SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION! Like you do to Juliens mom! Is she low maitenance!?
Your difficulty asking for help is making you ask for it in a way that feels like a demand. I’m on fire, but don’t tell me I’m on fire, just put me out.
I am not dealing with denial or subterfuge.
We need to go to therapy together. This is a must if I am giving you any money.
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