To blog about...Otherhood. - this truly is an amazing process of remembering, reclaiming, finding ourselves again as women. And seeing, feeling so astutely the grooves that have resulted from years of puttin gothers first, survival mode I step forward knowing I am taking right action, yet I also am astutely aware of the baggage i am carrying. Each step I take, is like walking across some imaginary bridge, that is swaying over an imaginary river...each step that I make successfully feels like a huge relief, today just emailing a potential practice opportunity was such as step I started sobbing. The sobs came not really from happiness, but more from relief, from fear unrealized. Because taking these steps feels so momentous, are so new..that there is a great amount of tension in the preparation and thought so that when I finally do it, its such an emotional reach. Naturally there is also the tears of joy of finally doing things for me alone. This is such an insane time, it is hard to believe who I was, how I operated, how I kept that house running and raised those girls. I was not conscious, I know. But i was doing the best I could. I worked so hard...to keep all those balls in the air..it was all I could do to not let them fall...I did it well, but there really was little time for relaxation or reflection. It was go go go. Even when working at rainbow, there was always an agenda, taking classes for my masters degree...I GOT A FUCKING MASTERS DEGREE while working full time and raising a daughter on 35K a year. I was so focused on just getting it done. And here I sit alone so much of the time, I have all this time to myself. I am busy with things...but nothing near what I used to do...driving Olivia to school, myself to work, dinner, lunches, dance class, competitions. i do wish I had kept a calendar at least..it would be interesting to see now.
So...the trip into motherhood...really is into otherhood. Serving others. Giving your life to others for 20 years. That's what it is. Not complaining, but this is what we do, at least this is what I did. They came first for 20 years. No doubt about it. I didnt think for me, i thought for we, and for them first then I. If it didnt' work for we, it didnt' work. from motherhood....my otherhood.
alone, done alone. excited yet terrified. afraid of myself, Faith, must have faith.
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