3/20/22
China cabinet life
Mother as portal
Picking on mom. Not appreciating what she saw and experienced as valuable. Her style. Her things. She liked sparkles. I love you
01/23/20
What you need to remember is that Madeline was a flawed human being a MADELINE was damaged from her childhood, so naturally she made poor decisions and hurt her daughters and her children because she was a hurt child.
The same is true for Trina, Trina was hurt and she’s been over compensating for it ever since.
The saving grace is that you asked Trina to stay with mom while you were away you asked her to do it for you and she did she showed up every day because I asked her to so that was her effort to do something right
Even though I feel like Trina betrayed me it’s her only limitations as a limited being an allowed her to let my mother betray me but they’re damaged people the best thing I can do is promise not to treat my children and that way it’s always put love first enter forgive my mother and to forgive my sister for their limitedness rise above it and let it go and not take any of it personally that’s my freedom
01/06/20
Hello dear siblings,
Just wanted to touch base to share some things that have been in my mind.
As I’ve mentioned, it’s tough being in the apartment now, as everywhere I look I see mom; it’s a constant heartbreak. For this reason Im trying to move quickly to donate her belongings and rearrange the space.
I am also in the middle of a job change which requires I set up a space here to do online therapy.
I appreciate your help in this effort over the next few weeks so I can function for the remainder of my time here.
Most immediately, I have gone through mom’s clothes and have several bags to donate as well as large garbage bags that I could use a hand getting out.
I spoke with Trina, and she’s going to help me pack up the China to empty the China cabinet so we can arrange for Daniel to come get it.
I am going to reach out to organizations to donate the couch.
Rick, please let me know if you’re going to take Dads dresser, otherwise we will have to donate it which honestly would be heartbreaking to me. I’m planning on taking mom’s dresser and mirror.
Tom, you said you could take one of the little chairs; let’s plan on getting help to move it. I’m going to take the large chair and am undecided about the other smaller one.
Naturally there are also a ton of smaller objects that have to be gathered, packed and gotten rid of somehow.
I am still trying to decide if I should try to move by March 1 or delay till May so my family has a place to stay for the wedding. In either case, we need to empty this apartment and do some minor repairs to get the security deposit back. Sooner is better for me and your assistance is greatly appreciated.
I love and appreciate you all very much.
12/12/19
Got a text from tommy his morning hat he had to do a last minute bus run and couldn’t take me to the ferry. Checked he temperature, 27 degrees. So decided to cut myself some much needed slack and uber straight from Staten Island .
Oh no, there are no fucking Uber’s available on this god forsaken island. I start looking into public transportation options. Train in 1 hour but really not trying to have to walk to the train and wait n 27 degree weather.
I contemplate whether I should give my brother in law Jeff a calol, maybe he’d give me a ride to the ferry. Feels vulnerable and like a bother but again I figured I’d try to make thugs easier. He couldn’t help me.
By this time I have a half an hour to leave to catch the train. I accept this destiny and add a layer underneath my clothes. Somehow I get distracted and look at the clock and realized I have to leave immediately and run to catch the train. And so I stuff my phone with charger still on it. Throw my coat on and run, suitcase behind me, down the street, panting as I tell myself to just keep moving as the cold hair fills my chest, I stop to put my gloves on, knowing this 30 secs could cost me. I just keep running.
As I get to the overhead l trestle, I hear the train pulling in I make a final push bouncing my suitcase down the stairs and jump into the open car door, which immediately closes behind me. I made it
I sit, panting, my throat dry from the cold air; wondering why this is happening. Am I not supposed to go today? Why all these hurdles? Why did I book JFK, why did tommy last minute unable to take me, why did I lose track of time and almost miss the train.
I pull myself together and he urge to cry wells up in my chest. I’m thinking about mom; she is so ravine
9/26/22
Thank you for checking in. I have not heard from Lisa. Mom is still in hospital; I have no idea if or when someone will visit her or the care plan going forward. I am exhausted, so plan to address this tomorrow. We need a plan of what’s next upon discharge. I also would appreciate an email address to direct correspondence to Gen, as there’s some things I want to communicate formally, particularly related to the question of mom’s urinary track infection. It is a reasonable and legitimate question, and I would hope the nurses and admins would want an answer as much as I do, and offer a receptive response, rather than defensiveness and justifications. I am looking for professional guidance, and need to feel confident that we are working together with transparency toward same aim.
As you know, my main issue is that our concerns were dismissed, while in fact, there had been an error with regards to diagnosing my mother; an!that error has caused her immense suffering over the course of months. My mother didn’t just develop a UTI - she has had a UTI and all of the symptoms were consistent with a UTI. I asked again and again how suddenly there was no UTI, when all previous tests from other providers consistently came back positive. My concerns were dismissed. It was a reasonable and legitimate question, and I would hope the nurses and admins would have taken a minute to be curious themselves and want an answer and offer a receptive response, rather than defensiveness and justifications. The fact is my mother does know her body and my mother was right, she had a UTI and has potentially suffered irreversible mental functioning from the immensity if the pain she experienced Tuesday night. But the narrative that was developed by the team overlooked what was right in front of our eyes and what my mother continually told us. Until that is acknowledged and addressed, I’m not confident that University Hospice can provide for my mothers care adequately. I am looking for professional and responsible guidance, and need to feel confident that we are working together with transparency going forward.
7/11/19
Hey siblings, want to make you aware of some potential upcoming travel. I’m trying to balance going away with arranging mom’s care.
I was hoping to already have a caregiver set up to stay with mom overnight during this time, but with all the delays, it’s getting tight. We finally have the hours approved (12 hours a day) and there are a few irons in the fire but no one is confirmed so it’s fingers crossed. Hopefully it won’t be too burdensome on any of you.
Eric is planning to come up weekend of August 9. We’re going to stay in the city again for 2-3 nights at Sue’s place as she’s again going out of town. So Tom, Eric won’t be staying at your place the following week. I figure it’s better to have him come in while you’re in town rather than when you’re also out of town.
Then he and I have been planning a 10 -12 day trip to West Coast for a while. We are shooting to go August 29 - Sept 10. Everything is tentative at this point, but naturally each day that passes the prices for tickets increase.
I know Tom starts work 9/5 - Tom, how crazy is that week leading up to school starting? At this point 9/9 & 9/10 Trina’s also away so again, hopefully we have a caregiver but that could be sticky.
I can also consider pushing it forward a week to avoid the start of school, but again, no one else is in hand yet to cover any of this time.
Just want you all to know what’s going on for me as the clock is ticking and I have to make a decision by next week.
Madeline and Me 4/4/19
There is this pattern of interaction between my mother and I that is very hard to follow
I try to solve a problem to offer help but in the offering itself upsets her and makes her feel diminished, which causes her to attack me and tell me she feels I don’t have confidence in her,
I feel my motives are misunderstood.
She feels diminished and put down
She says guilt and despondent comments which deny my attachment to her as my mother. She has no awareness of the impact of her saying she wants to die, wait till I die, on the child in me who is seeking love and acceptance and to please her mother.
This was similar to when she would say she didn’t want to come down to Florida, it was like she could give too shits. There’s a selfish streak in her.
As for her, she feels diminished by realization or insinuation that she needs help or assistance.
So I ended up reacting to her reactivity.
What she needs is to be left alone, and not challenged.
But I have fear and terror that she will die and leave me, so I challenge and treat her as a healthy person, because if I start to treat her like she is fragile, than I have to also acknowledge more deeply that she is fragile.
And then I feel so guilty, and unappreciated, and useless, which makes me feel uncomfortable, so rather than feeling uncomfortable, I lash out at her.
Its too much for her.
Like she has no more capacity to give two fucks, to enjoy my company, to make the best of things. Which feels like a lack of love. I feel that I cherish my daughters and being with them, but she doesn’t have that.
And again the cycle starts over where I feel bad for her, and guilty for upsetting her
Which leaves me to swallow my own feelings of abandonment and rejection.
YUCK!
6/11/19
Hey siblings, I’d like to arrange to discuss together what level of care we all think mom needs at this time. Want us to be on same page regarding the possibility of leaving her alone overnight, etc. as I know staying here is also an inconvenience for you all. Though I’m now here 90% of the time, not sure that necessarily means she needs someone here 90% of the time. It’s necessary for me to get away in order to do the other 90%. I’d like to hear your perspectives, and to share in the decision making.
Risk tolerance
I’m here as all of us
Care receiving vs care needed
90% of time she’s fine
I’m not dictating level of care - when I go you guys decide
It’s my concern not anything they’ve done
I’m living there. My things. Big inconvenience of living w mom, but smaller inconvenience of day to day
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