They don’t care.
This was a startling realization.
It came after two days of wrestling with the ignorance of family members; people who are most near and dear to my heart. It is somewhat unbearable to watch someone you love defend what I consider to be ignorant positions based on inherited attitudes and misguided belief systems. And that is a bi-partisan statement I know. Which is what leaves us scratching our heads…”how do you not see what I see?”
I am what might be called the “black sheep” of my family, a term which in and of itself is problematic under the circumstances. Perhaps it better to say I broke away from generational racism and small mindedness. As the first of my family to pursue higher education, my exposure to other cultures and alternative ways of seeing the world gives me an advantage. Having a more diverse knowledge base of experience, I am comfortable saying - I know better.
No matter the facts I offered, the clarity I tried to distill, they refused to see their stereotypical misconceptions. Theirs is literally a black and white reality. It seems they are unable to hold two or more truths in mind. Yes, looting is wrong; yes, there are good cops; and likewise—yes, the majority of protestors were peaceful, and yes, there is a culture of oppression and violence against blacks in our society and justice system…on and on for days on end; and counting.
After two days of exchanging opposing instagram messages with my family member—covering the topics of racism, white privilege, police brutality, income inequality, for-profit prisons, over policing of communities of color, the difference between socialism and communism—we finally came to an understanding. We agreed that we both were outraged at the murder of George Floyd and other innocent black people, we support good cops, and we do not condone looting. He agreed that a corporation hiring more part time than full time workers to avoid paying health care and other benefits was “wrong”. It hadn’t occurred to him that this was a strategy big corporations use to maximize profits over the well being of their employees.”. I felt I had accomplished something.
Then he asked me a question that made my heart sink.
“Why do you care so much about this?”
I was dumbfounded. After my initial shock, my first thought was “Why don’t you care?”
“Look”, he said. “You’re not black, you don’t live in Minneapolis, and you didn’t know him. You’re white, you’re Italian, You’re from NY. Chances are you won’t be a victim of any type of racial profiling. I’m sure justice will be served with out any of the white man’s help”.
I must admit, it was a searing question, one I had to sit with. I had to allow it deep into my heart to really scrutinize my “why”, as many in the black community have asked of us as white ally’s. I had to answer for myself “why do I care”?
Soon, the answers flowed. There were many reasons I care.
· I am a human being.
· I recognize my privilege as a white person in racist society
· As a therapist, I have made it my life’s work to help reduce suffering for all people, not just people like me.
· My daughters are mixed race and have experienced racism (Chinese and Italian)
· I believe we are created from love and our highest expression is to love and be kind to each other as one human race.
· Our founding fathers got it right when they said “all men are created equal”
· I believe in the teaching of Christ “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”
· Injustice against any means no justice for any.
· The holocaust happened, because people didn’t care about Jewish lives.
Then I asked him…”Why don’t you care?”
He went on to talk again about looters, how the police aren’t all bad. Something about feeling silenced because he was a “cracker” and “entitled” and that if he walked through East New York he wouldn’t get out alive.
The poignancy of his question stayed with me, only to again surface the following day, when another member of my immediate family finally admitted, after an hours long text exchange, “Ro, I don’t care”.
So is this it? Is this the cold, hard truth I have been missing?
Beneath my fervor to convince and convert my family members, is an underlying belief that we share the same values of concern for others, love thy neighbor, and justice for all. I assumed because I know them as loving, kind, considerate people, that they are this way in their core and across the board.
It didn’t occur to me that their love was reserved for only some. The kindness I have seen is a result of my privileged position within their hearts; it is not for everyone.
Many years ago, I came to an intuitive understanding that the differences between liberals and conservatives were based in philosophical and existential views of what it means to be human. I speculated that liberals were more likely to be people who were evolving in consciousness. We believe in the connectedness and well being of all of the human family. We are evolving beyond immediate self-preservation and concern for self. This is the evolving human consciousness. People who are different than us are seen as a manifestation of creation itself, beauty and richness of diversity; One Human Family within all of creation. From a neuropsychological lens, we could say liberals are the pre-frontal cortex, the area of reason, emotional intelligence, logic, communication.
Whereas from my experience of my family, it seemed conservatives were more likely to believe in evolution through survival of the fittest. They seek to protect themselves and their loved ones first. They act from a scarcity mindset; I have to get mine first, as there may not be enough to go around. People who are different from them are seen as a potentially threat, the instinct is to protect against them. There is a biological wisdom in this mindset; it is based on evolution to date. In neuropsychology, we could say conservatives are centered in the amygdala; the limbic, reptilian brain; emotional impulses and autonomic responses; fight, flight, freeze.
Perhaps this is a core difference between us all?
This question lead me to do some research, and lo and behold, it holds up. According to several studies, there are notable differences in the brain structures and subsequent responses from liberals and conservatives. According to research (Feb 2017) scientists have discovered structural differences that can predict whether someone is liberal or conservative with 71.6% accuracy.
Among their differences, studies found that conservatives express as much empathy as liberals, but they generally aim it at smaller social circles, and may be more hostile to what social scientists call "outgroups": people (or animals) that don't come from the places they do or think like them.
Politicians know the power of stoking the fears of their constituents. Frightened people double down on their beliefs. I am terrified that a man like Donald Trump, with his lack of morality and poor character has the full power and authority of the military at his disposal. As he has shown he is quick to use it against the citizens of this great land.
Could this explain why even though we love each other, we cannot ever get to seeing eye to eye? Is this fundamental difference in our approach to others a function of how our brains are wired? Could our synapses hold the key to why some of us care, while others seemingly don’t?
Considering this is helping to reduce my frustration and indignation at my relatives. It helps me to understand that they care, but they care in a different way than I do.
Dr. S suggests that if we want to communicate more effectively with our conservative friends, we speak to their values of security, safety and stability. If our goal is truly to enlighten rather than be right, then we have to speak not only in ways we understand, but in ways that we can be understood. And that starts by getting into the mindset of the person we are seeking to influence, to see the word as they do. This is the art of influence.
I challenge you to ask yourself….when do you care?
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