This week was intense. My mind and thoughts sought to wreak havoc on my Love, and in many cases were successful. However, I remained in observation, although unable to overcome these thoughts entirely, I remained above water, holding onto the lifeline of my Guru, Moojibaba, and my connection to the Truth of Being.
The beasts that pounced were:
Insecurity and self loathing – about my appearance, my aging face. The self loathing related to my frustration at my own turmoil; there was self judgment about being so irritable and judgmental of Eric.
Snobbery – I noticed a snobbishness, and an aloofness born out of insecurity, how I appeared to others, and judgment about their lack of class, their sloppiness. I judged Eric for his lack of manners, his goofiness and superiority.
Feelings of not knowing what I want or who I am – I was able to contemplate that this is actually an experience of truth, that ultimately, there is no one that I am…except the One that I Am. So there is no person really, so the fear of losing a grip on myself or on reality is in fact…reality! HAHA. This is quite uncomfortable but I was able to see it, albeit still felt tortured by what I saw.
Doubt about Eric. So many times. Thinking I am kidding myself, I am being insincere, I don’t find him attractive and am forcing myself to, because I recognize that I am no longer very attractive. So she tells myself I am settling.
The pain of holding all this in, of pretending, but in the end not. In the end I communicated honestly with Eric, and in the end he was able to absorb and remain with me. He was able, through his own command of Self, to calm me and lead me out from the insanity and self imploding.
I was moody, snippy and irritable. Petty and entitled. And I judged myself for all of it.
I do feel lost, I don’t know where I am or what I am doing. I am caring for my mother from a place of duty, but not fully owning it…it still feels I am obeying something, these are some orders I am filling…but I am not doing it…its not from me. I can’t really explain this.
But my small I is resenting this, is missing my own life, even as much as I don’t know what that is.
I realized that I am still adjusting to change…of career, of home, of no longer mothering, of place, of being in relationship rather than alone. It is all still an adjustment.
And I long, continually, to sit in Satsang. To be in contemplation, to go to Sahaja and study more intensely…all while understanding there is no study…there is only the realization of now, of what I AM now in self. I letting go of all false ideas of who I am, and seeing and being as an extension of consciousness itself. Seeing, and being as an extension of consciousness, not of Roseann Pascale.
I will change my name. This name is someone I am not. Perhaps Mooji will give me a name.
This was a painful time, and yet, I was able to clean up the mess within moments of making it. This is progress. I was able to see the self sabotage, the “minding” of things.
I am human, I am divine.
I am letting go. It is coming up to let go.
Also, recognize the issue of control in my daily life, my independence and self sufficiency interacting with taking a back seat
No comments:
Post a Comment