Sitting with Mom and Sadness Dec 26 2016

 Dec. 26th, 2015

Sitting on the couch with mom, watching a movie, watching her nod off. With the constant question of what is the meaning of all this. I am here to spend time with her, because I am hyper aware that, at 90 years of age, her time on this earth is limited. Yet, is it any more limited than my own?  I am faced at 53 years of age with little ground beneath my feet. I have no job to speak of, no income, no man, my children are grown. I own no property, have few friendships. My dog of 15 years, who I gave up to a friend to foster when I moved into my apartment on the beach, drowned.

After spending the past 15 years as a single mom, dedicated to keeping a roof over the head of my children, I have cut all cords. The only thing that resembles a path is my attempt to recreate my professional life to that of a therapist. This started in 2009, now going on 7 years later, I am just at the very beginning, and not even sure I want it anymore. Now, I think about leaving it ALL behind, going to thailand an disappearing into nobody. I cant take the pressure of this culture any more, the need to make a living....I want my life.

Watching another love story, about a man who realizes the one he "should" marry is not the one he wants to marry. So he runs through the streets of manhattan before she leaves via taxi, gone from his life forever.

Life is not a love story.

I sit here, anxious about life, about my ability to sustain this life, all while wondering what the fuck this life really is. Reading about one consciousness, about being one with everything, the God within and who I really AM...and its all out of reach for me.

Surrender. Is that it? Just surrendering to what is? Accepting that no matter how much time I spend with mom, she will die and I will miss her. No matter how many plans I try to make, life seems to happen. I look at others efforts, those "successful" ones, and just feel it's not in my control.

So I sit with a pit in my stomach, with tears on the rim of my eyes. Unable to cry because of some weird affliction...since bella died, I get a sharp pain behind my eyes every time I cry. Its sort of a cosmic joke. I am sad, depressed, have a sinking feeling in my heart, but I can't cry. I get smacked upside the head when I try to cry.  The universe is saying what...stop self pity?  I want nothing more than to cry. I just want to cry, and cry and cry.

What does presence mean after all? It still is an intellectual process for me. I "try" to be present. I have to talk myself down, or out of superficial awareness...and try to be present to all that is. But ist an effort...and since its an effort, is it real? Or am I still ego spinning ego? And all this, all this not knowing, makes me depressed.

Mooji says this is ego too. Mooji would say I am still holding onto something. I am still holding tight, because if I truly let go, there would be no attachment to outcome, and hence no anxiety.

Tired tired tired of this blind path. This wandering. Sad beyond sad.

I hold on.